Reward If Found

Both of them have been MIA for months now. The pink Spyderco and the nice, black Kershaw. I don't feel safe anymore. I've made a mess of the house in my failed searches for any speck of hope of their survival. Honestly. Where the fuck have my knives gone???? Why gaaa, why?

Okay. Here's the last time I saw them: pink knife was in my back jeans pocket after cutting open boxes at work. MIA since. Black knife was last seen at the NIN concert, or was it when I threatened to slash that rotten whore's tires at the supermarket? Can't remember. Black knife is super cool. Too cool for me to fucking forget where I left it.

Spyderco will probably never make another pink knife like that ever again. I am doomed to buy dick knives instead of my sweet, delicate chick knife. It's worse than losing my dog. I may resort to posting signs around the neighborhood.

LOST: Precious pink Spyderco, responds to the name, "Pinky." Also missing is a handsome, black Kershaw who responds to the name, "Bitch." REWARD IF FOUND.