If chicks had dicks, this is how the pissing match would go...

Scenario: An adult birthday party where two old girlfriends happen to bump into one another. The girlfriends used to go clubbing all night, take trips to Vegas, compete for men and the like. They are both formerly very hot and previously very fashionable. The quick passing of time has since separated them and they conveniently have lost touch. One girl now works her ass off doing something corporate and the other is a housewife who sends her kids to daycare so she can go shopping all day.

Me: Hi Darling! Long time no see!
(we exchange airy kisses, one on the right cheek, one on the left)
Her: Hi, good to see you. Ahhh look at that. We both have the same diamond earrings on!
Me: Yes we do. It's a definite sign of our good taste.
Her: Well yours are really pretty, but mine are real.
Me: Make no mistake sister, I've got the real deal.
Her (slightly rolls eyes): Ah yes. So look, I've just gone on a shopping spree and spent $2,000 on my new Louis Vuitton Bag. Isn't it fabulous?
Me: Are you kidding me? That's the white multicolored monogram bag from two years ago. It's way too fashion-victim for my taste. Should have gotten the black. No, you should have spent that money on better pieces with more substance all together. Bad choice.
Her: Well I imagine it would be hard to afford something like that on your salary. You do still have to work for a living, right?
Me: Well Sweet Pea, we can't all be desperate housewives trying to screw the gardener.
Her: Well at least your hair looks decent. I like your highlights.
Me: Your hair looks good too. Are you still trying to cut it all by yourself?

Since we'd gotten our insults in as cordially as possible, it was time to move on.

Her: Oh my gawd. I know that girl over there isn't wearing brown shoes with that black purse! Ewwww.